Guilt is an interesting emotion…I guess you can call it an emotion. Like love or rage, it often defies logic. I would have assumed that I would be immune to guilt – my parents don’t use it on me, never have. But then again, maybe that is why it works so well, I’m not used to its insidious nature.
I’ve had people try to guilt-trip me and that seldom works. it is the contrived nature that works against them. But left to my own devices I can feel guilty about things deep in my heart and worry about them…fret over them…feel bad for years…knowing all the while that guilt doesn’t change anything but my stress levels.
And so it is with a friend of mine…a guy I dated not too long ago… And maybe guilt isn’t the right word – but the feeling that somehow I should have done more…been more…strikes at me. And although I’ve gone over in my head our perfectly amicable parting of ways, I don’t feel any better for it. Although I can’t think of how I would have done it differently I can’t help but feel like I somehow I should have.
We don’t talk anymore. A request by him. And maybe part of it is that I hate that we were able to be so cool and then just like that…nothing. Maybe it is less guilt and more loss. Whatever it is I wish I could lay it to rest.
Entiendo.