Trayvon 2012: where good intentions collide

I don’t believe America has to be perfect before we can reach out to help other nations any more than i believe i must be perfect before i can reach out to help another person. Hinging help on perfection will leave us all lost. Still, the reaction to Trayvon Martin’s murder reminds me of how important it is to understand situations. Not simply the broad strokes…but the details that make it beautiful and gruesome and sometimes, maybe too often, deadly.

A week or two ago Kony 2012 dominated the headlines and I, like millions of others, engaged in discussions on the merits and missteps of that campaign. It hit me close to home not only because i remember hearing and reading about the LRA and the kidnapped children of Uganda back when it was first being reported, but because my work –until recently- was international public health; I lived and worked in Uganda for a year (and in Liberia and South Africa before that).

I never intended to disparage the campaign’s creators personally, or even the organization, my concern with the campaign was far more general. I worry about the approach we take as nations and NGOs and well-meaning citizens of the world, without fully understanding that even the best intentions can have unintended consequences that do harm.

There has been a murmur of – if not support for, then- defense of Zimmerman, the man who fatally shot the unarmed 17-year-old in the chest. The he was simply watchful of his neighborhood. He cared. I don’t share that view, but it almost doesn’t matter (almost). It almost doesn’t matter because vigilant or vigilante, Trayvon is still dead, his young gaze peering out from the shadow of a hoodie locked forever in a photo. Even if you can muster belief in Zimmerman’s “good intentions” it doesn’t negate the horror those intentions wrought.

A friend posted an article discussing the unwritten rules of blackness, things black children are taught by their parents to help them successfully navigate…at the very least uninjured…through life in America. The resulting thread – a multicultural hodgepodge of people – included surprise and shock that this separate “life curriculum” exists. But the rules rang familiar in my ears.

Although Americans (mostly) speak English and are exposed to the same media, whole portions of the population have different understandings of what it means to live in America. And yes, of course there will always be diversity and difference. Noone can know all things – understand all things…but in the scope of our global village fellow US residents are local, and Trayvon’s murder illustrates how differently Americans experience our home.

Another friend was disgruntled by my critical reaction to Kony 2012. He explained how he and colleagues spent a morning looking for Uganda on a map and discussing child soldiers (he admitted he didn’t watch the entire video). I am puzzled how we feel, not only qualified but justified, in deciding what happens in East Africa when what most people know of fits inside a 30 minute commercial for an NGO.

It is that understanding – or lack of- that I trace back to Trayvon. His murder has many moving parts, outrage at the tragedy is well placed, but fixing it…(I’m sure his grieving family would scoff at the notion)? Fixing not just this one case, but creating  sustainable change in the future so there aren’t any more Trayvon’s – immortalized only in photos because they were taken too soon. Fixing it requires understanding beyond emotion.

It requires us to understand context, the where and laws and history. It requires us to understand local/state/federal boundaries and the chain of command. And beyond our borders it requires us to be obsessively inquisitive, to acknowledge cultural differences, to accept our answers may not be best.

While I am thrilled to see more people engaged in discussions about the world  we live in, my hope is that we are able to move through our gut reactions, our tears, our rage. My hope is that we learn to channel those feelings indo deeper understanding of our world and the nuances that make it vivid and interesting. I hope the measure of success for social campaigns – both international and domestic- is more than how viral a video goes, how many westerners can do geography, and how many people sign a petition.

If it were as easy to “save” others as watching a video or signing a name in electronic ink, people would have saved themselves.

Don’t misunderstand me, symbols are powerful. One million hoodied people (or hundreds) marching through New York City is a symbol of unity in grief and determination just as 70 million views is a symbol of piqued interest. But life and atrocities are more than fashion and geography.

It is essential to entwine symbolic gestures with knowledgeable action. It is about working in tandem, in teams. It is about respecting people’s agency…be they Ugandan grassroots advocates and survivors or black man-child(ren).

That doesn’t mean there is not space for anyone else in the fight for freedom from tyranny and injustice; on the contrary, it is about ensuring there is space for the aggrieved and ensuring that good intentions lead to good and sustainable solutions, that our dread and disappointment are able to make a discernible difference that doesn’t divide.

In the meantime, what can Americans do:

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Walking While Black

I can’t seem to find the words to make people understand – really understand – that the accepted fear of a man, not in particular clothing but in particular skin, is how we got to a bullet in the chest.

Listening to NPR today, a panel began a meandering discussion which at one point had a young black man stating that he understood that he might scare people. He continued to explain that he didn’t think it meant it was ok, but everything in his explanation made me cringe for him. Made me think of all the ways he could try not to be what he wanted to believe the fear was based on. He could dress in a suit and not a hoodie. He could sing country music lyrics and not Lil Wayne. He could be meek and mumbling to a stranger who felt justified in following him for no reason and not assert his right to not be harassed.

And he would still be black.

And if he were in the wrong place at just the wrong moment, in a state with seeming “get out of murder law” on the books, he would be dead. Dead like 17-year-old Trayvon.

The thing is, his clothes aren’t really the problem. One of the strongest memories I have of my father is almost 20 years old. Lost in the jumble of his face at my volleyball games and teaching me about nature on walks through creeks, an elevator ride sticks out. We were in his office building, where he was the manager of the child support division, and he was dressed in a three-piece-suit. It was a bright day and I was chatting away. A white woman appeared at the elevator door, child in tow and my father, smiling, held the door for her.

She clutched her daughter to her chest and refused to get on the elevator with us in broad daylight, in a state office building, with my father clad in his three-piece-suit and me, his teenaged daughter, by his side. It is still a fresh wound for me all of these years later – seeing my dad through the eyes of a stranger.

It wasn’t his hoodie that inspired her fear, he wasn’t wearing one.

I wish I could get people to understand that although Trayvon was a good kid with no record, that isn’t the point. Would it be ok for Zimmerman to have shot an unarmed teen in the chest if he had been carrying a bag of skittles and an ice tea as long as he had a record? The problem isn’t that he shot a good kid- the problem is that he shot a kid at all. That he shot unprovoked. The he shot against the instructions of the police. That he shot a “they” that was really only a him…a man-child who will never get to be a man.

The problem is that he shot a young black man and it appears to be of no legal consequence.

This tragedy is finally receiving some attention. The questionable response of the Sanford police department has been brought to the attention of the state of Florida and the FBI. Finally, this heartbreak has reached the attention of the masses.

Enter the debates.

Amid all of the talking and outrage, I want to make sure we are tackling the issue. Trayvon is a victim of the issue – not the issue itself.

The conflation of blackness and danger is at least part of that issue and so pervasive “that driving while black”, and now “walking while black”, are valid concerns for people of color. By simply occupying black skin a person must navigate a world hostile to danger (real or perceived) and therefore hostile to them.

This notion can’t be fixed with blogs or pleas to see the humanity of six and a half million black men. It doesn’t mean we should stop talking, but more than words have to change. Systems have to change if there is hope of changing minds.

A friend’s FB thread began an argument that the fed’s should jump into local jurisdiction and “fix” this case. My desire to work through the system was met with derision.

No one cares so why wait for justice?

I’m not naïve. I don’t want to wait idly by for justice, I want a unified us to point out the cracks in an ailing system as it is dealing with this tragedy. I want us to be vocal and mindful and vocal some more so that errors and shortcomings can be corrected. Because sometimes we have a short attention span, and sometimes there isn’t an electronic trail that tells the story so compellingly…and in the absence of sweet kid with a spotless record we might not be as motivated to unite and cry and demand justice.

But if we watch the system now… Watch it while we are collectively outraged. Watch it while it creaks and moans and shows us its broken parts (like an apathetic police force and an alibi-law), justice might happen be served, now and in the uncertain future.

And while nothing can make the death of Trayvon ok, a legacy of justice in the lack of the injustice done to him, might be the closest thing.

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temporary rejection

i have to find a way out of my current funk. Unemployment is not sexy but people who urge me to “take advantage of the time” are surfing in shark infested water looking decidedly like baby seals. It isn’t because they aren’t right. It is true that i have waaaaayyyy more time than i will probably ever have until i retire (or marry rich!) but it is equally true that it feels less free. living with family isn’t totally free unless i sit at home and do absolutely nothing but hunch over my computer searching for jobs.

Some would argue that is all i should do…and i did do only that, for a while. After taking a breather from my travel i threw myself into the job search with dedicated purpose and the thought that there was no need to really unpack as i’d only be passing through.

Three months later and my suitcase is constantly vomiting up articles of clothing that i don’t need while simultaneously swallowing those that i do. At some point i’m going to have to let go of the illusion of temporary.

The jobs advertised look less and less appetizing but i feel more and more compelled to apply for them. Only, my fingers are frozen over the keyboard as i consider working at something horrific for the next two years simply because i had too little patience and even less faith. Of course faith can be misplaced or even misunderstood. Maybe i’m sitting here having faith that i’m destined for a job that is both fulfilling to me and beneficial for the world around me but the real faith in question is an economy that, while on the mend, is not quite mended yet. Faith in one doesn’t negate the other.

So i find myself trying to figure out how long-term my plans should be. Is this an overnight bag kind of flux i’m in or am i looking at a rental agreement with the folks?

February around the corner, and faith heavily shaken, i’ve already progressed to my back-up plan. Temping. Only i got rejected from a temp agency just last week. Everyone asks the same thing, “what did they say?” followed by variations of, “wow! I’ve never heard of that before” which is followed by a repeat of “what did they say?”. Sigh.

What they said was:

            Thank you for submitting your resume to Xxxxx. Xxxxx provides opportunities in the clerical and administrative fields and after much consideration by our Staffing Managers; we are not your best resource.

And while it was followed up with a link to an agency they thought more suitable (it isn’t, since I’m public health and not a clinician) it still results in two things…my back-up financial plan for tiding me over is blown to bits and more devastating to my self-esteem…i got rejected by a temp agency.

Trying to hold the meltdown at bay, i know i have to come up with a new plan. I’ve never had to consider a back-up to my back-up but there is a first in everything.

So now is the time i figure out faith. Now is the time i decide if my current discomfort is meant to get me moving right now or to mold me into a new shape in preparation for whatever comes next. I applied for an amazing gig a few weeks ago. I’m pretty sure they are either in the midst of interviewing or have already hired and i’ve heard nothing which means i need to keep looking, hoping that something wonderful catches my attention.

The question i must ask and answer for myself is if i should wait out another such opening-one that gets my fingers flying in a flurry of anticipation and excitement for a potential gig. The other option, adult as it may be, is less gratifying but quite possibly necessary. In a time of rampant unemployment i may just need to suck it up and take what i can get…provided the temp agency isn’t an indication that i can’t get anything.

February is about to unfold. I dip my toe in wondering what it will offer.

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the absence of louisiana

For more than a year the state of Louisiana has been trying to tell me i owe and undisclosed amount of back tax money to them for a year i never lived in Louisiana. I’ve been out of the country for most of it but intermittently try to provide them with proof of the negative. Quite the existential activity to prove where i wasn’t… finally an agent gave me examples of the different things i could provide. I faxed all of them to the office and was informed it would be about six weeks to process.Fast-forward less than six weeks later but more than one, and i was informed that i owed $2,984.70 by a letter from a collection agency. Imagine my surprise (and chagrin) that i was given 10 days to “settle this obligation voluntarily”. Of course it arrived on Saturday so i couldn’t do anything all weekend except worry.

Monday afternoon i settled into the couch and was caller number 22 to the state of Louisiana department of revenue. I listened to the announcements loop – including a piece about how convenient it is to use their online tools. Finally connected, an agent pulled up my file, opened my documents and confirmed that i didn’t owe them any money.

Hooray!

Only when i called the collection agency the agent informed, with an edge of “this is a much bigger problem than you think” in his voice, that some major meeting pertaining to my account was happing on the 25th and since i didn’t have a confirmation number that could prove problematic.

This time i was caller number six, but it took longer because i was waiting for the collections department. That agent informed me that all was well and they would handle what needed to be handled and pass that information on to mr “big meeting on the 25th. I guess i’ll see.

At least it is one less thing for me to worry about- i don’t really have the time for it- all my brain power is concentrated on finding gainful employment.

Le sigh.

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prodigal child

Growing up I never understood the story of the prodigal son. I mean, I knew the story, but I always identified more with the son who never strayed. Far from the perfect child, i was – however – the contrast to my sister. She was the popular cheerleader full of potential who was content (at 17) to do what she wanted, consequences be damned. I was the geek- good grades and extracurricular activities.

i watched with irritation as my parents tried to get my sister to understand what consequences were and why she should care. And success or failure at driving that message home – driving it always ensured time and attention directed her way. She was, in my estimation, our family’s prodigal daughter without ever having left home.

Please understand, I was never short of love or attention by any means. Even then i knew it wasn’t favoritism, it’s just the point in anticipation of my counterpoint. Fast-forward 10 years and i am the prodigal child. Youthful ways discarded, my sister became an amazing wife-mother-woman.

All of a sudden i’m on the receiving end of extra time and attention and resources. And much like with my sister- my parents never say a word. Simply offer up what they can and try to help me to remember i haven’t always been and won’t always be their prodigal daughter.

Being on the other side now allows me an understanding of all the players in a prodigal tale. Parents and children alike looking for love – looking to show love in whatever ways it can be received. And seeing the world through both the story’s characters helps me to understand it in a way i never did when i was younger. Understand it and see those roles, and my reaction to them, unfold in other ways.

Sometimes friendships are prodigal tales of their own; old lost love revived in a wave of nostalgia and regret at all the lost time. I recently had a friend return to my life. More than the FB catch-up, we’ve begun building an “us” again. So many years behind us, we can neither pretend to start anew nor rely too heavily on what was. Instead we are constructing some hybrid of past and future. And i’m loving it.

Still, there are people in my life who never faded away…my kindreds. People who have not received a joyous reception because they have been here in my day to day life, laughing and arguing and offering love without pause.

The thing is- there is beauty in both. Beauty in the still staid love; grace in that which returns. One providing faith in the ability of love to remain despite life running off in its many directions- the other offering proof that that which we sometimes lose can be found again.

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my best friend’s back

Some people, more than place, are home. The smell of them. The slight laugh, a truncated chuckle with some irony thrown in. the feel and look of them – even though time adds pounds and grays hair. The voice reverberating deep in a chest. The smile not telling everything.

He was there when I was becoming. He was the mortar to my bricks and held me in place.

Life gets complicated. Marriage and kids and countries and years of silence punctuated by short bouts of “almost”. Almost a replica of the human hometown. Crack the same jokes. Insert laughter just where it would have been. Close but so far away from what it was.

But home seemed changed. Home was different. Home was gone.

Only to rediscover eight hours later at the heart of a hug that home is still there, under the years. And he says, “people don’t change, not really, they deepen but…”. And the ‘but’ hangs there uncertainly but profoundly understood in its unfinished incarnation.

Tomorrow or next week may bring hurried and harried life back into my home. May invite laughter that doesn’t ring with the same joy, or hugs that don’t evoke the same tears that I know are possible. But an eight hour respite from homelessness is a reprieve unanticipated and for this tiny moment I am sated.

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not right but better…

It wasn’t a happy conversation. My family gathered in the kitchen – a rare occurrence now that my sister and I are grown and gone from the house, her married with a family of her own. But there we were, my parents and sister seated casually around the glass dining table cluttered with the day’s debris of old mail and cereal boxes. I perched myself on the counter by the sink – alternating between sitting upright on the black granite surface, and balancing on my side.

Our voices were quite but not hushed. The discussion had settled on Sandusky and the Penn scandal. Cain and Perry gaffes and political missteps pushed aside for the horror now dominating headlines.

My sister, distressed that someone’s comment to her piece in the Dallas Morning News was to dispute the statistics – not wanting to believe 1 in 3 girls or 1 in 6 boys. Her research aside, what would be an ok number? One in 10, one in 20? Would those stats make child abuse/child rape ok? Rather than fully digest the horror or think forward to solutions that person nitpicked details while the rest of us speculate about what we would have done.

But we can’t go back – not the folks who walked in and did nothing, or learned of it and did nothing, or all of us on the outside now looking in but who never looked in before- we can’t go back. All we can do is look forward. And looking forward only makes a difference if we’re forging a path to better.

In the kitchen last night my family tossed around ideas. Generally against suing we held fast that suing was one step on the path ahead. Suing Second Mile (Sandusky’s non-profit that gave him access to countless boys), Penn  State (who, despite knowing, did as close to nothing an institution can do without actually doing nothing). Sue and have money for the years of therapy that lay ahead.

But suing isn’t the answer, just a component. Our idea went beyond.

  • Create a foundation with some of that money and a non-profit to manage it. Keep trained therapists specialized in sexual abuse therapy on retainer to help mitigate the financial cost of seeking help (sometimes $100 a session for years to come) for Sandusky’s or anyone else’ victims.
  • The foundation should be a hub for resources and information – maybe nationally but definitely within Pennsylvania. Provide training for doctors, teachers, parents on what to look for. Provide support group information (malesurvivor.org, 1in6.org), books, whatever might be needed.
  • Penn State is known for some kind of major cancer fund raiser they do every year- the Thon. The university could sponsor a similar annual fundraising event with all proceeds going to the foundation to maintain its funding into perpetuity and to publicize the issue and the resources available.

My family’s conversation drifted to an end. It was late, my sister had to go and the rest of us headed to bed. I didn’t sleep for a little while, my brain fixated on all the Sandusky children we know about – the many more we most assuredly don’t. I thought about the different ways people have reacted, the person who commented on my sister’s piece, the students at Penn that rallied/rioted in support of JoPa, John Stewart and a myriad of others who raised their voices in support of victims.

When the din dies down – opinions turned to the next scandal to hit the news – I want there to be something substantive left in the wake. Something that doesn’t just condemn but contributes, doesn’t just berate but builds, doesn’t just grieve but gives something to those who can’t move on because the news cycle did.

At least one other person was thinking like my family. Chris Tickner (a professional specializing in child sexual abuse) added one additional thing to my list…research. The university as at its disposal a wealth beyond money – a wealth of intelligent people who conduct research. Why not research how good people did nothing? Or better ways to prevent – to treat? Why not disseminate that research to help other universities, churches, public institutions, from making such egregious errors in judgment and perpetuating harm to children.

Penn can’t make this right but they can make it better – they have to at least try.

 

 

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Multitudes

Reconciling my own feelings about working overseas in development is difficult enough. Is there harm done? To what extent? Is there good? Does it make up for the bad? I don’t believe good intentions are enough, that something is always better than nothing. Sometimes the cure can be worse than the disease. But how do I know…for sure…how do I know?

Second graders aren’t that nuanced. Differentiating Africa as continent versus Africa as country seemed a fair starting point. So we looked at the map and named different places they’d been; and once they settled down from the excitement of talking about trips to San Antonio and Mexico – not differentiating city from country – we named a few countries in Africa.

Honestly speaking, I had an agenda of my own. Rather than perpetuate the singular vision of Africa, starving child with flies languishing on a distended belly, I introduced another face of the African identity. The city.

Everyone sees the rural villages with grass roofs and mud walls, that reality is well documented on television and in magazines. There is generally the photo of a long dusty road and someone carrying a load of fire wood or 20 liters of water or herding cows in the brown swath cut through a nameless savannah, dry grass brown and blowing in a breeze.  Those can be legitimate photos; I have a few. In the various villages I’ve lived in and visited, it is an experience in Uganda or South Africa or Ethiopia.

But it isn’t “the” experience.

And so I introduced Uganda with a skyline picture of Kampala- the capital. I’d prefaced this revelation, met by “ohhs” and “ahhs”, with “what does Uganda look like?” And after a flurry of “dry” and “sand” and “hot” we flushed out more –“ straw houses” and “sticks”. The tall buildings, not unlike Dallas or Houston, were not what they had described or expected to see.

But Kampala isn’t the only Ugandan experience either. And so I showed them Iganga, the rural town I lived in, and another picture of one of the villages my organization worked in.

We talked about foods – similar and different. We talked about water and the ways people collect it, the dangers they sometimes face.

I have no idea how much of our conversation stuck- the students are seven and eight year olds after all, their reference points are Spongebob Squarepants and Hannah Montanna. One child waved her hand in the air eagerly to ask a question and then earnestly told me about a movie she’d seen with monkeys who were being prodded with an electrical shock device, stole it, and then prodded their captors with it. I smiled and nodded and thanked her for her story.

Another girl, however, with a calm hand raised and a soft shy voice, shared that, “when the water is unclean sometimes you can put it on the fire for five or 10 minutes and then you can drink it.” And I was so pleased all I could do was smile.

Our session on my time in Uganda over, and the school day drawing to a close, I spoke briefly with the teacher who’d so graciously  cleared her afternoon schedule to provide time for me to speak. “The other day we were collecting shoes for orphans,” she shared with me, “and I was explaining to the kids that those kids don’t have shoes and sometimes they only get one meal a day- if that. It is good for them to understand that people live differently than they do in other countries.”

Maybe my message, like her parting comment to me, weren’t clear. I wasn’t sure if she’d soaked in the Kampala cityscape and filed it away with the photograph of the second graders hauling water from a swamp. I’d hoped to convey our similarities at least as much as the ways our worlds seem foreign- for the harsh realities to be balanced by the more beautiful ones. After all, Africa is large, it contains multitudes.

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different kind of black folks

I wrote this back in 2003 and it still feels true to me now.

The Black Experience. It sounds like a thrill ride at an amusement park. Strap yourself in and prepare to be amazed or dismayed, amused or abused. Strap yourself in and discover what life is like when your skin is browner than a tan, your hair like lamb’s wool. Only, the idea of the Black Experience as a singular experience is as narrow as the idea that Black is reserved only for those who are darker than a brown paper bag. There are experiences; plural, wrapped up in all the ways Black people look and sound, wrapped up in all the ways we live.

Barely passing the brown paper bag test myself, I have spent years fighting the assumption that Blackness is a finite definition complete with checklist to verify authenticity. Victorious when that definition embraced the “light bright, darn near white” philosophy, in turn I was set aside for “the darker the berry the sweeter the juice”. What did that say about my berries?

The rigidity in defining who is Black has intrigued and bewildered me. Caught up somewhere in hairstyles or political standings, mingled with hip-hop as lifestyle or the adoration of Marcus Garvey over Booker T. Washington, the expectation or assumption that Black people must share the same thought processes and aspirations saddens me. Those assumptions have cast me into a category of exceptions. An anomaly. Just looking at me could raise an eyebrow at my purity- as if there were such a thing. My appearance is sometimes called into question, my hair curly more than kinky, my eyes hinting hazel.

More than my look, it is my behavior that causes people to question just how Black I really am. For starters, I talk like a white girl…or so I’ve been told. What exactly that means I’m not sure. Is my voice inflection somehow different than the race issued one I was supposed to have, or is it implying that Black people use Ebonics instead of Standard English?

And when people find out I’ve lived abroad, listen to country music, sky dive, when people discover my hair isn’t chemically straightened and I’ve been published, the questioning look perches in their eyes as if I’ve cheated in some game I never wanted to play.

And so I’m not Black. People tell me in “complimentary” tone that I’m not like other Black people, insulting me without realizing it because I come from everything they praise me for not being. I’m not Black. Called a wannabe for simply wanting to be myself.

I’m not Black. I’m not Black…but I am.

A friend and I joked that we wanted to start a website. We’d post our activities and search out others just like us – or just as different as us – to join us. We could just imagine all the different kind of Black folks all over America signing on. It was that joking, at least in part, that got me thinking about the way people are socialized to think about race and gender in a certain way. The way a culture, a community, a kinship can cultivate the way people see themselves and the rest of the world.

Growing up I read Black Boy and The Bluest Eye looking for myself between the pages. But I wasn’t there. I didn’t find a light-eyed light-skinned Black woman who was sometimes called swirl, sometimes darkie. I never met a fictionalized me, someone with parents still married after 30 years, someone whose family doesn’t buy gifts at Christmas.

All of those images of myself that never materialized make up who I am. They shape my personal definition of Blackness and my Black Experience. But if no one is telling my story than the myth of the one great Black Experience is strengthened.

The rural village I lived in as a Peace Corps Volunteer will probably never make the news or National Geographic. Most people will never know how the girls come back from Koma (rite of passage) painted in red, eager and waiting to burn their blankets of childhood, the women greeting them with ululations and pride. Most people will never have the chance to experience the similarities of an Ndebele grandmother insisting that I eat in much the same way my own grandmother insists. But it is an experience- my experience. It happened; it is a story that deserves to be told.

I want to see the pictures that are never shown and watch for the story that is never told, so I can show and tell them. I want a girl looking for a glimpse of herself to have more than a singular experience to choose from.

 

 

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#6 Fear*

The back cab of an 18-wheeler was not the transportation I’d imagined for the evening; but i hadn’t foreseen an armed driver chasing me down the street either.

Shannon and I were supposed to be heading to a gathering of friends in…wow…I don’t even remember where, South Africa. Contrary to our actual knowledge of maneuvering in South Africa, we’d dilly dallied the morning away. It was Saturday and we must have forgotten, despite more than a year in country, that transportation slows to nothing by two o’clock, earlier depending on how big the town or city you were in.

We left Pietersburg around noon I think. Stupidly, neither of us was concerned, not even when the place where our first khumbi (picture a beat up minivan with 15-25 people and animals shoved into it) dropped us off, was almost empty and the few khumbies idling there were empty of passengers.

The thing about khumbies is that they don’t care what time it is. Time is not of the essence, money is. And so a khumbi driver will wait, and wait, and wait…and wait, until his vehicle is full – whatever his definition of full is (recall the 15-25 people/animal range). On a busy day in a busy hub like Pretoria or even Louis Trichardt, that could be a few minutes; in Lebowakgomo, the township closest to the village I lived in, it could be hours.

The sparsely populated hub, so late on a Saturday afternoon, should have been a blaring warning sign to us but we assured ourselves it would be fine- we let ourselves be assured.

Every taxi rank, as the khumbi hubs were then known, had a Taxi Marshall. This was the person who knew where every khumbi was going and how much it would cost to ride. They couldn’t tell you when you’d depart – let alone arrive- but even in a parking lot filled with hundreds of khumbies they could point you to the overcrowded death trap heading in the direction you needed it to go. This taxi rank had no easily identifiable Marshall –warning number two. Instead Shannon and I were met with a khumbi driver headed where we wanted to go and eager for our fare. His taxi was empty but he smiled and directed us inside assuring us that it would soon fill and we’d be on our way.

An uncertain look around the quiet town and sparse parking lot did not yield any alternatives and so Shannon and I settled into our favored seats and fell into conversation. It was hot but it wouldn’t stay that way, the altitude was high and the temperature would start dropping by nightfall. Nightfall was still a long way away though – it hadn’t crept into our minds.

An hour passed, two. At the three o’clock mark I remember Shannon having to pee but refusing to go, garnering her the nickname Camel. I remember the first true doubts crossing our minds and our first attempt to get out of the khumbi.

See, what I neglected to mention is that one thing not really allowed is getting out of a khumbi to attempt a different mode of transportation. I don’t know if it is because we were foreign or if that translated to all passengers but in the two years I lived in South Africa it was not something I remember seeing. And so when we attempted to disembark, backpacks, sheepish grins, and excuses at the ready, we were rebuffed. A tight smile and a stern assurance, again, that we’d be leaving soon. Only now darkness was less distant stranger and more inevitable visitor. We let some more time pass, the sun making its journey across the sky and hatched a plan in the meantime.

I would get off without our stuff, head to the bathroom and then circle back when the driver was distracted so that Shannon could feed our bags through the window and she could ease out. Everything went more or less according to plan except…

…except our driver saw us.

He and another man spotted us as we neared the edge of the parking lot – the street stretched before us filled with the possibility of escape from eternity in waiting– we hoped. The driver yelled and screamed at us as we crossed the street at a near run, panting, with our bags in to – fearful and giggling because it all seemed surreal.

Now we were stuck. There was no going back and only hitchhiking leading us forward, the sun daring us to beat it to the finish line. We sat on the side of the road, cattycorner to our previous parking purgatory, waiting for cars to pass, hands outstretched to demonstrate our need for transportation. Observing our attempts to hitchhike the khumbi driver and another man came running towards us, gun waving.

What they were yelling I couldn’t tell you, my eye was trained first on the men, then the gun, then the houses and streets and cars blurring past me as Shannon and I ran. In retrospect they probably wouldn’t have shot us. Less a threat for us, it was an effective deterrent to any passing car that appeared sympathetic to our plight. Still, fear is a great motivator and Shannon and I were motivated to move on down the road.

Much further down the road, away from businesses and caught in a stretch of road canopied by houses closed up for the night, fear and panic were tap dancing on our hearts. The cold rolled in with the darkness and we realized we had no safe place to sleep. This was the part of our story when a crazy but workable plan was supposed to descend upon us so we could save ourselves, or where someone else emerged magically to save us.

The 18-wheeler eased to a noisy stop right about then. I don’t remember it driving up – which is hard to believe given the sheer size and noise of an 18-wheeler. Still, there it was, like some mythical beast descending to save us, right on schedule.

Desperation prevented Shannon and I from judging the situation too critically – to judgmentally – as daylight and the absence of a gun toting khumbi driver might have. I am thankful for that. The driver stuck his head out of his window and asked, with a rather soft voice, where we were headed. We countered with, “Where are you going?” It was too late to make our event and the novelty and anticipation had long since evaporated. We wanted out – wherever out might be. We could figure out the rest later.

Nelspruit? Nelspruit sounded beyond wonderful to us. One of the border cities to Swaziland, we’d been there before. There was a hostel and a mall. Sleep and food were almost within reach.

Our rescuer proved more kind and gracious then my critical eye could have imagined. He was thin and white with mousy brown hair and was smoking a cigarette when he stopped. The shadows cast from a setting sun or too much time watching scary movies could have colored my impression of the driver – any other day he might have been the source of my fear. But Shannon and I eyed each other skeptically as he tidied the space behind his seats, the place I imagine he usually sleeps; we eyed each other skeptically but climbed in anyway.

Turns out he was the most genteel of people, putting out his cigarette as soon as he heard me cough (he didn’t light another one the entire drive through the winding mountainous drive) and silencing the music he’d presumably been listening to before to put in a Whitney Houston tape (he looked back at us and smiled when he pressed play).

His final act of kindness was in the drop off. He wasn’t heading into Nelspruit, he had to continue on his way, but instead of simply dropping us on the side of the road in a location similar to where he’d picked us up, he dropped us at a well-lit gas station, leaving us with a bright smile illuminated by the harsh lights of gas station and “safe journey” mingled in the air with the sound of his roaring engine.

*this is part of a month-long Indie Travel series.

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