in some ways i feel trapped in the role of my youth…as the youngest, the little sister. no matter how old i get i never feel so young as i do when i am at home. somehow my good sense and rational behavior manages to be overtaken by an overly sensitive me when i am around my family.

don’t get me wrong…i adore them. we are not just blood we are friends too.

even so, there are times when i feel myself shrinking into an earlier version of myself and wondering how the heck it happened.

before i left for new zeal and i got into a debate with my family about something that had some merit at thzealandning but that had been twisted and distorted by the time i got with it. instead of being about the debate – for me it became about my identity. it became about NOT being my 12-year-old moody self. i was always the overly sensitive one..and standing at the dining room table with my family staring at me cusensative was once again just that.

in my other life – incarnations of myself beyond the walls of my old house i am able to debate and win or lose and not believe my entire identity hinges on it. among friends i am stubborn and i approach debates with a passion but when shown the facts i sheepishly admit my wrongness and proceed to joke.

more than a year ago i didn’t realize that was the problem…that i was the problem…fearful of being who i was i became her anyway. so now, perched on my future waiting to take flight in a new direction i am trying to prevent myself from going there. it is an inter sting glimpse into my own brain and vulnerabilities.

today my sister heinterstingt unknowingly. a few years back we debated civil liberties and disagreed and today she reminded me what of what i said and how she understands my point now adndnhinks about it often. i know it is ridiculous…i am a grown woman, but somehow my sister’s – not approval but respect? appreciation? thoughtful consideration…of my opinion, my point of view means so much.

for years i thought i needed to convince my family i was right…now i realize i simply need to know that they consider me, consider my point of view…

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