even the people who know me best…who I know best…only know as much as Is hare, I only know of them what I filter through myself.

the last few years have been a test of relationships on every level. i spent my 20s learning who i am and i've spent my 30s reconciling that against what people know of me, want from me. i've had friends come and go. sometimes going only to return some years laters, sometimes not sure they want to return. and it is a helpless kind of feeling. like standing trial, waiting for a verdict and knowing that the verdict will change your fate.

this weekend was an exercise in friendship. friends flew me to boston to hang out simply because we hadn't seen each other in a while…and we just hung out. talked and watched movies and youtube. and it reaffirmed what i already knew of them…beautiful people i'm glad to know.

factor in a visit from one of my oldest friends i hadn't seen in 10 years, another friend i hadn't seen in one, and a friend who texted me to let me know he couldnt be friends with me any longer because he once had, or has, feelings for me…and the friendshp wheel was spinning out of control.

and while usually this would knock me off balance, this weekend i recognize my own limitations. i can offer love…but i cannot make someone recieve it. i offer my authentic self…but i cannot make someone like me…i offer space, but i cannot make someone retrace steps to intimacy.

what i can do is be thankful for warm hugs and earnest words from the people who are able to give it…and keep a watchful eye for those who can't just yet…not now…but maybe later.

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