it was like walking into a nightmare that wasn’t as bad as you’ve had before, but shocks you just the same. and although i cried sporadically and with controlling breaths – as is my way to cry  when things are truly beyond my control – i know that my grief, my loss is small on the scale of a tragedy of this magnitude. even so – i need my moments of narcissum – my time to ponder my loss – no matter its scale…and feel cheated and betrayed.

i was expecting water and my culprit was man or woman – some unnamed person who broke down my door and ate my food and destroyed my aprtment and stole my stuff and went through my things. i don’t know why i bothered locking with unlocking my door, it was open. and the other door was broken at the jam.

and my things. my things. my things littered my hardwood floors like autumn leaves in the northeast – colorful and haphazard.

i couldn’t catch my breath long enough to truly take stock. i think my cds are gone – world music and country – councsious hip hop and alternative rock – no one but me would wan ti and yet i htink it was taken. my hand me down bed was only a metal frame…gone with the top mattress- but the box spring is splayed out like a stubborn child in target- haphazard on the floor.

i shold be greatful – my huge batik – my art on the walls are in tact. and my pictures, though scattered, seem to be ok. waht a liar it makes me…i said that was what i cared about and still i wept at the mess on my floor. every drawer upturned, closets emptied.

i’m glad my groceries fed someone hungry – glad they were able to cook on my gas stove. but how the anger swells inside of me and forms a pierceing pain in my head when i contemplate why they had to destroy it…pull the back off of picture frames to look inside…checking for money i guess.

and maybe tomorrow or in a week when i go back the shock has ebbed i will see that mess is mess and should not be confused with loss…but for now, mess is loss and i feel empty as i wonder what direction to wander to next.

9/20/05 upon seeing my apartment on canal street


1 Comment on hypocrite i am

  1. LaDawn says:

    I'm glad your travel mementos made it through…

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