They brought in puppies the other day and now they are pushing counseling. We look a bout a haggard bunch.
For my part, I am in need of a quiet room with no one else in it and a comfortable bed where I can cry for a few hours. I think I need to cry myself to exhaustion and dehydration. And then maybe I can sleep one of those sleeps of no dreams. Maybe that kind of exhaustion will allow me to wake up and not instantly think about the people down here who so desperately need help that I can’t give.
Of course that is part of my guilt…I can leave this. I will be leaving this. In 8 days…and I am counting…I’ll be playing with my nieces (yes that was plural my new niece arrived Wednesday morning!).
So the days drag a little longer. Today more than most because the surge that kept us so busy has slowed to drops. I’m typing this at work – something I couldn’t have done just a few days ago.
Of course now all my thoughts have dried up. Now I have less to say.
Last night was rough for me. After half a day of work my friend lee took me to my apartment to pack up so more things while he nailed the kicked in door shut. It is a feeling of minute joys that feel sparkly and bright but then dim under the weight of so much gloom.
Picking through my clothes strewn about the floor – deciding which books are worthy of mailing back. Wading through debris mounted and scattered below my balcony to pull out a few gems. One of my prince albums, an ani album, los hombres caliente.
And I was overwhelmed with the desire to sob at my life scattered all around me. And my guilt returns that so many people are so much worse off. Do I have the right to be so upset?
That is my struggle. I think I may lose this battle as soon as I find my quiet corner and a moment to myself. But it doesn’t make it less of a struggle for me to succumb…
8 days–your own room is here where you can cry for as long as you want with Cameron possibly joining you in chorus. We're waiting on you and you can can have whatever you need-space and solitude, or comfort from a very empathetic two-year old ("don't cry" as she pats you).