i’d like to blame the feeling i have on anyone but myself. my sense of otherness…my sense that i need to decide what i want with my life this very instant. i’d like to blame the sincerely curious questions and those that ask them ,for the feeling of dis-ease that overtakes me when i try to decide the forever angle of my life.

but i can’t. i could answer that “i don’t know” “i’m not sure” “for the moment it is this…”. but instead i try to craft answers that sound right.something to aspire to.

that is, in part, why i went to guatemala. my carefully crafted plans took a direction toward disaster…namely katrina…and all of a sudden my world was in chaos again. all the worse because i had a plan to keep it at bay and in an instant it was gone. and all of a sudden i was forced to decide…or rather…redecide my future.

should i have taken classes this semester so i could graduate when i had originally planned? should i have stayed on with fema and made money to pay for the remainder of the schooling i have? should i move to california? should i give second chances? should i be given second chances?

i have these questions, some more pressing than others, because forever is forever. sounds stupid…but the choices i make now affect my life to come. some more than others.

and while some changes of my inclination may lead to intersting times and people – like my spontaneous decision to go to guatemala…others leave more lasting impressions than a bruise that dissolves over time…something more visible more substantial – like scar tissue and the dark coloring that encases it.

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