getting to sleep and going to sleep are two different things for me these days. now that i’m done with the 10 and 12 hour workdays and i’m just making plans for my time being tired is more an emotional state then an absence of sleep. don’t get me wrong, i’m sleepy too – it’s just that i find myself awake at odd hours and not wanting to lie down not wanting to surrender to that tender part of the night that i enjoy so much under normal circumstances.

people keep asking why i feel the need to leave right now, why i’m not staying on longer to bask in the love i have surrounding me in texas…up ’til now i haven’t give a sound answer. but the truth is that i need to do something. the thought of sitting around and not “doing” something -although usually alluring to me – somehow seems akin to hell.

so i prepare to face some new unknown, some thing that i can control if only a little and forge ahead to figure it out.

control freak that i am, part of my discomfort right now is just how little control i have over my life. where i live and the job i have (or currently don’t)…the carefully laid plans that, although full of all sorts of space for me to color in the details as they presented themselves, i decided the when and where and why of – have been drained into lake pontchatrain with the rest of new orleans.

so i prepare myself for a thing that i’m not supposed to control. a new journey that i will embark on by myself and expereince as it unfolds in its own time before me. and maybe then i’ll get to reclaim the sweet breath of night i so enjoy savoring at the end of a long uncontrollable day.

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