multitudes

i’ve been thinking politically lately. maybe that isn’t the right word. socially conscience? aware? something…anything.

not that i was little miss oblivious before. anyone who knows me knows that i have my subjects. i have things that rile me up and get me talking a mile a minute and going on and on about the world and how i deem someone is messing it up for the rest of us. even so…pulled into the academic world of kris has proven to be a time of reflection on things less self-centered and sometimes things that don’t always linger in my mind.

for instance…the death penalty. i’m from texas and our extremist way of dealing with criminals upsets me greatly…we either set them free in a fraction of their sentence or we kill ’em. i’ve always erred on the side of more punishment is better. but all of a sudden i’m having these “discussions” about how few countries in the world actually kill people…how racially biased the stats are (no surprise for me there)…how against the supreme court fiction (i still have to do some reading on this one) it appears to be.

and i can’t say i’ve changed my mind. it is hard for me to get all worked up over this particular thing when there are so many other things to get worked up about…but i’m thinking about it in a way i never really did before. or at least in a way i haven’t in years.

in some ways these discussions are fascinating. they give me insight on myself and the people i meet. all of a sudden what you do for a living is less interesting – but your thoughts on religion, class versus race as the biggest issue in america, and abortion all well up in me and drag out my opinion and force me to re-examine where my opinion came from to begin with. to ask myself if i still agree.

at the same time i find myself feeling guilty. i find myself in discussions with kris about consciousness and social movements. his research reaches into these things. these have been and will be a way of life for him.

and for my part…i don’t want those things to be my whole life.

it may sound horrible, but it is true. sometimes i want to fight the good fight, be up on my reading, help someone in an intimate way or affect change on a larger scale…and then sometimes i want to curl up a book that has no chance of enlightening me on the struggle of the masses or music that mentions revolution in certain or uncertain terms.

sometimes i just want to laugh and be stupid. sometimes i just want to think about how pretty diamonds can sparkle on a finger and not about the armless people that make that sparkle possible.

and no one has told me to feel guilty. no one wagged a finger and called me bad. that is a burden i created and carry for myself. because i know where the diamonds come from…because i know if i don’t speak up there is no guarantee anyone will…because if you know you cannot unknow.

even so…filled and still filing myself with information about the world around me…sometimes i need a break from trying to counter misconceptions about black people or fighting for the right to decide what happens to and in my body.

some days i will watch the constant gardener and others, drop dead fred.

as walt whitman phrased it so eloquently…”do i contradict myself? very well, i contradict myself. i am large i contain multitudes”.