anti-me

I’m trying to live a negative of myself. Not so polar opposite that i am unrecognizable, and not because i am harboring some deep disdain for the person i am…but because, as the overused adage goes, “if you always do what you’ve always done you always get what you’ve always gotten.”

I’m quite familiar with what i have. What i have now and what i’ve gotten in the past. And in many ways it has been wonderful. I’ve been places, done things, met folks. I’ve lived and laughed and loved. But i’ve lived laughed and loved in a very specific way, based on a particular way of thinking and looking at the world.

And i wonder…sitting with “still intentions” (a rare thing for me)…i wonder what experiences, what places, and folks- what life and laughter and love, another avenue might take me.

The plan was to make a quick change, like my friend at her wedding. One moment she was drumming like a goddess, delicate strap falling from her shoulder, face in contented concentration, and then suddenly she was less restricted- barefoot and flowing and riding a rhythm. And then i blinked and she emerged in an orange ball gown as if that had always been her dress – as if she had only ever worn that. I thought my changes would be like those.

I envisioned a switch in my head. Simple; self-explanatory. Or at the very least a point of clarity where the other options are apparent and i am able to decide which one is suitably different but that i am amenable to.

But that is the thing…i already make decisions that are amendable to me.  To be the antithesis of me is to make decisions that are the antithesis of what i’ve historically decided i want for myself. And that gets complicated. How much of my daily decisions are tied to my bigger idea of me and my life? Pancakes vs omelets aren’t life changing but how i partner and with whom, could be.

My toenails are green for the first time but even i don’t care because that doesn’t matter. But how much of myself i share and with whom i share it. That matters. And because the long view of life i’ve always had plays out in my head a certain way – a balance of consequences and potential joys –  i have a pattern of decisions, risks i’m willing to take…or not. And living an inverse me doesn’t change the bigger life pattern. Although i guess if done properly, it would.

A novel idea about spicing up my life and trying a new path was so simple in my brain. Like changing all of the hes to shes in my story, a quick addition of a letter with little consequence to deeper meaning or how the plot unfolds. Only it does matter. A yes instead of a no makes a difference, not with green nail polish or the purchase of sequin pants but who i invite in and what they have access to…that matters.

I glibly joke that i’m trying out the anti-me, a little project to wile the summer away. But it is no little project and it is not light thing. Changing a character should impact the plot of my story and if it doesn’t…well if it doesn’t something is terribly wrong with the writing.

Tags: crazystuff, love, me-ness