it is so easy not to think about it, despite being surrounded by it on a daily basis. drinking from it, protected from the elements by it, watching the world whiz by behind it…glass is remarkable. that said, so is my stained glass making class.
bent over a dusty table, glass cutter poised over a compromised amber colored piece, my thoughts are only about glass. later, behind the grinder, tiny glass fragments bouncing off my face, and my focus is on the wonder of tiny diamonds and water smoothing my cutting imperfections.
for 2 1/2 hours nothing else is important. i like that.
On the phone with my mother, contemplating the dishes that had been sitting in my sink for more than a few days, the shots rang out so clear and loud that I stopped for a split second. Just a second. And then I told my mother I’d call her back and promptly called 911.
There were five shots I think. Trying to be calm on the line with the operator she asked me things I never thought about…were there screeching tires like someone pulling away fast? I think, maybe two sets. Was there screaming? There was, but now – silence.
She said officers were on their way and so I sat in my hallway breathing slowly and listening hard for sirens. When the silence and my own breathing ceased to distract me I called a friend who engaged me in (much appreciated) idle chatter.
Fifteen minutes, 20, maybe 30…no lights or sirens. I called the non-emergency number to see what happened. “Officers arrived on the scene at 9:10 and decided the shots were related to a funeral.”
That’s all.
On my way home, around 6, I noticed a bunch of people milling around a usually silent four-plex. Everyone one was in black – not unusual in Oakland – but there was a small blaze of votive candles illuminating the dusky street.
I don’t know what happened there…or when. Scanning the online paper today I never saw anything about my street…about something that might inspire a vigil…or a shooting.
Maybe they were relating…a five bullet salute to a friend departed. Maybe it was someone being stupid and playing with guns. I don’t really know…my neighborhood is usually quiet. Interesting how quiet sounds different after gunshots.
Tags: bay, crazystuff
the problem with starting over is…well starting over. it is the blank space where there used to be words or pictures or love. it’s the arduous process of taking first steps, forming first syllables, and liking someone enough to provide directions on how to get a little closer to my interiors.
quite frankly…i’m a little exhausted by the entire exercise. one of the advantages of my typical two year plans is that there is only so much you can do in that stretch of time…and if a new homey space isn’t forged from a host of strangers and strangeness, there is always the opportunity to do it someplace else.
only now i’m in that someplace else and don’t expect that i’ll be jumping ship in the next two years so…what does that mean?
mostly it means trying to stop comparing it to the familiarity of homes and love i’ve possessed …i’ve lost – like a warm spot in bed on a cold morning…hard to let go of – lingering in memory. never mind a potential for newness…
people often mistake grabbing onto something new as being synonymous with letting go of something old. the notion being that you can’t grasp something else if your hand is tightly clenched. but as sound as the logic seems…it isn’t. reaching for something new can feel like letting go…like moving on…but really…really letting go is something else altogether and i’m not sure i’ve quite figured that out yet.
Tags: me-ness, transition
i think most people fear impermanence. the concept of change is the source of consternation. even if what is known is bad – the idea that what lies beyond is unknown makes it worse.
i am the opposite. in my world – the only constant was change. each new move prepared me for the inevitable – my next move. so much so that even after my dad retired and i grew up and ventured out on my own i still find myself moving.
because of this, doing what most people consider mundane has been something i’ve avoided. and i always had reason. why buy a cutting board or a mixer or furniture…i’d be leaving it behind to collect dust in a year or two.
only for once i may not. don’t get me wrong, in a year or two i may very well continue my nomadic lifestyle and pick up and move to i don’t know where but for now…for now this is where i am.
so i’m buying things. trying to weigh need against mindless acquisition of stuff. and so thing like measuring cups – like a mixer – like a couch are emerging in my home. in my home. home. a word i use so infrequently to describe the places i live.
i don’t know what sits on my future’s horizon. it is my comfort in a new world of somewhat certainty.
Tags: bay, future, me-ness, transition
ok…at long last i can actually invite someone over and offer them a place to sit that is not my hardwood floor! welcome…my couch and over sized chair. i wasn’t sure they’d be able to get them through the door but after some creative processing and some chipped paint i now have a living room that resembles a living room.
add to that my dining room table and chairs and the only thing i’m missing is a dresser. my visa is thankful!
so the furniture thing sorted for the most part…i’ve turned my attention to free time. i signed up for a stained glass making class as well as a dim sum making class. in january i’ll either do a dance or yoga class…something to get me off my new couch. and…i looked up the vagina monologues in oakland to see if i can be a part of that. i met such amazing women when i did it this year and i hope to replicate that experience.
Tags: bay
since the summer of 1998 – and actually before then if i really think about it – i’ve been mildly obsessed with san francisco. it screamed my name in some high pitched sound that i thought only wild-haired different-kind-of-black folks and eccentric types from all backgrounds could hear. the summer of 98 i worked at the chronicle and even though i lived and played on the east bay i still assumed my love affair was with ‘the city’ (as san francisco is referred).
who knew that i was a cheater from the start. my true love is actually the bay. i love oakland…with its pockets of neighborhoods that people warn you about (like mine) that are full of working and church going and sometimes mischievous people. i love watching the throngs of black folks from every walk of life darting in between traffic and hurriedly chasing dreams into bart stations. i love the lake – in all its gentrified beauty – that is the hip answer to berkeley nestled in the bosom of oakland’s gritty glory.
my revelation about the east bay has me feeling a little lukewarm about ‘the city’. don’t get me wrong, i like san francisco well enough, i have friends there and it has amazing things to offer. but the east bay, oakland in particular, is the underdog. the neglected step child. an afterthought in plans and execution.
take the bridge for instance. bay not golden. to cross over the bridge from the bay to ‘the city’ you are first met with the $4 toll – as if life there is so wonderful you should have to pay to enter. then there is the view. going to ‘the city’ you get the expansive and glorious view (when not covered in oil) of the bay’s freezing blue-green waves. driving west, on the top portion of that long bridge, you catch the occasional glimpse of boats in the distance and sneak up on the hazy view of the skyline as it emerges before you -the crowded and pointy buildings nestled in fog.
now make a u-turn and head back east. what you get is the view from the underside of that same bridge, scaffolding and memories of the 89 earthquake that dropped tons of asphalt on unsuspecting cars heading in your same direction. and there is no toll…no dividing of the previous $4 to assure everyone that both sides are an equally good time. just a dumping of sorts, a curt dismissal from a cheap airline.
even so i’m coming to love oakland, with her landmark tribune tower lit up in neon red (even though the tribune isn’t housed there anymore),bart snaking unsuspectingl and sparsely through warmer weather and brighter sun, the hills glittering like distant disco balls in a voluptuous horizon. oakland with her fierce reputation that folds fact and fiction into unquestioned myth.
san francisco may be the belle of this ball but oakland won’t snub your advances and she’ll offer you up one hell of a dance.
Tags: bay
my God it feels good to feel good again.
i’m settling in to my new home. and although things aren’t perfect (what would be the fun in that?) they are good and solid and primed for even better. i still don’t have furniture but i do have folks to hang out with. this weekend i got some folks from work together for dim sum…did i mention that there is dim sum everywhere (i just have to get a crew of faithfuls to plan regular outings).
and of course, the bay is just exotic enough to almost feel like a foreign country. i like that.
today was a professional development class down south and so i had a beautiful drive through crazy traffic to learn how to be a better supervisor.
like i said, nothing is perfect, but it feels so good to be out and about, making plans, following through…now if i could just find a couch…(yes i got a mattress so i should stop complaining but still!!!).
Tags: bay, transition
“what the…”
i haven’t seen any of my neighbors let alone heard a peep out of them since i moved in so imagine my surprise to hear one of them stomping up the stairs bicycle in tow. so i waited – not quite irritated – mostly just fascinated by the vibration in the floor that i mistook for noise.
it didn’t stop.
a few moments later, once i realized there was a slight swaying in my apartment walls, i put it all together.
my first earthquake.
i didn’t panic which i assumed i would. a few moments later my friend shana called to make sure i hadn’t freaked out like the students in her class did.
so there you go…finally i’m truly initiated into the west coast.
now i just need to pull together a survival kit to have on hand (oddly, i was looking at them online yesterday)…no worries y’all, all is well.
Tags: bay
my brother in law was skeptical of my move west. he maintains that you can be happy anywhere so there was no reason for me to pick up and move across the country. i don’t disagree. i do believe, however, that it is easier to be happy some places versus others. that said…i’m adjusting to life here in oakland.
it is too early to shout the praises of this place. too early because there is so much i haven’t done. even so…i like the way i feel here. i like that i walk more. i like that i can ride public transportation to work. i like that i’m contemplating a bike, and that even in my neighborhood (which straddles MLK) good food is nestled into random places (or so i hear). i like that i know a few folks already and that i have family here.
that last point is interesting. i’ve never really been anywhere that had extended family there. i stay with my sister and her hubby a fair amount but folks who i haven’t seen in years…that is new. but tonight i saw how nice that can be. i met up with a cousin i haven’t seen in about 25 years and i hung out with her and other family members for the dedication celebration of her 9month old. and it was comfortable and homelike.
sometimes i take my sweet time following up on people. a bad habit i’ve been working ever since i made friends with my girl dede. well…ever since she made friends with me. we exchanged numbers at a friend’s function and i never called. she saw me months later (and recognized me!) at a restaurant and this time took my number and called me. we’ve been hanging out since then (at least when i’m in town or can lure her to wherever i am).
that said, i sent out emails to some of the nice and interesting folks i’ve met since i’ve been here…i’m hoping to cultivate some new friendships. and i followed up with family and am looking forward to doing that again. yeah…it feels good right now…no furniture and a distinct echo in my place but oakland feels a little teeny bit more like home.
Tags: bay, family, friends, transition
that is a direct quote from one of my new friends. tonight i was supposed to hear an old friend do a reading at a lit event. my timing was off and i missed his reading but i hung out with him and some of his friends (he knows EVERYONE it seems) after the fact. our numbers fluctuated but throughout the night i was one of only two people who didn’t smoke and the only person not having a drink. of course this completely contradicts my stereotype of bay area folks sipping on wheat germ shakes and eating sprout burgers. as did the little grill standing unobtrusively on the sidewalk throwing up the aroma of bacony goodness…the bacon wrapped hot dog – unlike everything else – i participated in wholly…complete with grilled onions and the bun fried in bacon grease! it smelled divine and tasted pretty good…but i’m thinking that much grease at 11:30 at night might not have been the best idea.
all said though…i had a grand time. i hung out with very cool people who were quick to laugh and smart to boot, i pushed herb into throwing a dinner party next week…life is coming together a bit.
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