i watched splendor in the grass tonight. stayed up later than i need be awake to see its bittersweet finish. and i can’t get one of the last scenes out of my head.
not the famous shot of deanie – natalie wood – clad flawlessly in white walking beside bud – covered in oil; instead a short scene – maybe 30 seconds. deanie is driving away and bud returns to the house, passes his wife in the doorway and asks “when’s dinner?” she looks down and distant and her eyes hint tears. she knows bud loved deanie – loves deanie. he begins to walk into the house but catches sight of her tears and stops for a moment. catches her gaze and then kisses her in an earnest way.
the love of one does not replace the love of another – neither do they negate each other.
and it is the sweet to the bitter. unlike every hollywood story for the last few decades where one love trumps all others – trumps wedding vows and good sense. instead there is a moment there in the doorway that illustrates that love is nuanced and exists differently at different times and with different people. like a mood ring – changing to adapt to differences as they emerge.
and i’ve wondered…
knowing from experience that love doesn’t go away just because relationship can’t work – don’t – won’t…i am almost comforted by this old fashioned hollywood truth that it doesn’t have to. it doesn’t negate the loss but it does lend a smile to possibilities that lie ahead.
how we give things and how they are taken are not always in agreement. a gesture in friendship can be taken as slight. i’ve recently slighted in the name of friendship. maybe for the sake of it. had no idea the damage my perspective could bring – my attempts to be anything but cruel. but as i’ve always said…good intentions don’t always breed good results.
i have been unkind at times in my life. guilt ridden – what little satisfaction i got from any purposeful slight was quickly replaced by remorse. heavier still is the realization that i can do harm without intent – with the antithesis of intent. and in such cases all i can hope for is that friendship allows for such miscalculations and forgiveness abounds.
my mother is one of the most thoughtful people i know. it is a quiet consideration for others – easy to take for granted unless you are paying attention. when i was in south africa she sent me a letter every single week i was there with the exception of while i was recovering in pretoria and unable to get mail. she calls relatives to check on them. she remembers my friends and what they are going through and sends up random prayers.
my mother’s kindness makes me look at the world and what i do…what is done for me. i was away this weekend and early this week. after a frenzied trip to the airport that almost ended with a missed flight a friend of mine showed kindness to my mother’s scale. talking me through direction and then driving my car home so i could avoid the expense of parking in the long-term lot (i couldn’t find the place i was supposed to park in a timely manner). R was calm and calming and a voice of reason and reassurance.
the last person to board the plane – they closed the doors once i was in – i got a reassuring text that all was well. and as no good deed goes unpunished, my return flight was scheduled for 11:30pm and R – leaving the next day for a cross country trip – was gracious enough to pick me up. looking at my car in the awkward garage light and i realized it was clean…inside and out. R washed my car. when pressed about why, the simple response, “you had some rough travel, i thought it would be nice to come home to a clean car.”
nice?
i said thank you – more than once. i hope R knows the kindness is not taken for granted, that i am appreciative. in my life there have always been moments of kindness that resonate with me for years after the fact…korey handing me his umbrella at the onset of a tallahassee summer deluge as i trudged to class, donte calling and paying for a cab to make sure i got home from the newspaper safely, kathy packing for me before i left for the peace corps…this latest one ranks among them.
people do nice things all the time…we are a society full of niceties and i appreciate them. but kindness, for me, extends beyond that. for me kindness is about someone else -an equation without self in it. for all the kindness that i have known in my life…and i am honored to know plenty of it…i am thankful.
Tags: friends
Lately I’ve been having variations of the same conversation. The conversation is about relationships –male female possible marriage relationships. As the talks have all been with men I’ve known from anywhere between 10 and 21 years and not a woman in the mix I can’t tell if I’m crazy, or them, or if we’re just the micro manifestation of a more macro problem.
At its core the discussion is about roles. What is a woman’s role? A man’s? And by organizing the conversation on that front I’m already on edge. My role as woman? As if there is a handbook someplace that I simply haven’t read (although I’ve had at least one of these arguments where the missing handbook in question is considered the bible and me a heathen of sorts for not jumping on board). I just don’t see myself defined by my reproductive organs.
The problem for me is the idea that I’m supposed to do something just because I have ovaries – or because in recent history people who had ovaries did that same thing. Using that logic I should strive for slavery as well since people who looked like me in recent history held that position.
One friend debated that he wanted an equal but that he wanted her to submit to him. Submit. Submit? The word sticks in my throat a little. He said he wasn’t difficult he simply wants a woman who will stroke his ego and agree to obey him.
In some ways these conversations are dizzying for me. There are snatches of our debates that almost lead me to believe we are somehow saying the same thing; that a marriage is a partnership of equals. But then it falls away and I am left to disagree with their notion that I should surrender any opinion or ambition I have at the foot of a man with an ego too fragile (apparently) to withstand my own autonomy.
I know they don’t represent every man because I’ve dated and loved men who love me despite and because I am who I am. Even so, I find myself wondering if being myself and being part of a couple will prove to be mutually exclusive.
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what is your brain on?
Tags: politics
My weekends have begun to blur…heck my weekdays have begun to blur. It used to be I didn’t work out because I was deeply and profoundly lazy. I’m still deeply lazy but now my not working out is much more the product of a busier life. All of a sudden I have stuff to do and people to see.
Last week I went to yoshi’s to see emeline michel, a Haitian singer who was pretty amazing to listen and dance to. She had one song that, despite being in Haitian Creole, moved me. Last weekend it was stern grove in the city where free concerts are a weekly staple throughout the summer.
This week was a throwback to my FAMU roots. We had a “be out day” and in true FAMU style perfect strangers became friends while bonding over memories of long lines and great times.
i went to a friend’s gathering on Sunday and that resulted in me extending my friend group just a little more…always a welcome thing as I carve out space for myself here in the bay area.
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Tags: arts
we drove north…well east according the the map but freeways are wonky in the bay area so direction is relative. the point is that we drove for a little over an hour – maybe an hour and a half. the point was to not be here for the three day weekend.
sonia and i have been talking about going somewhere – anywhere – that is beyond our general routines. this weekend proved the perfect reason. and as we are both without male counterparts we settled for less romantic companionship and headed for nature.
our first stop was bodega. a homemade sign boasting barbeque oysters lured us left instead of straight and we ended up languishing along a series of antique and craft shops. people were friendly enough. the church perched on a not too distant hill was idylic. it was a good sign for the begninning of our trip.
we headed to jenner, a small town where the the russian river meets the pacific ocean. it is beautiful. harbour seals swim and then rest on the beach but the ocean is treachorous, signs posted to not turn your back to the surf. the weather was almost perfect…a little chill in the air but mostly glorious.
kyaking proved an intermittenly lazy and arduous way to spend the day. and later a walk through redwoods older than america…older than most things on earth right now. it felt like a prayer – a place of reverance – a place to contemplate life and pursuits more noble than most everyday thoughts lend themselves to. and the crowning glory – a meal so scrumptious we talked about it for days. duck and trifle.
it is so easy to get caught up in my routine here in oakland. working out and the occassional classes, havnig friends over and heading to the city…but northern california has so much more to offer. i have to keep exploring…i can’t wait to see what else there is out there.
straight talk
yfla.wrap(“This multimedia content requires Flash version 9 and above.”, “Upgrade Now.”, “http:\/\/www.adobe.com\/shockwave\/download\/download.cgi?P1_Prod_Version=ShockwaveFlash”, “”);To view this multimedia content, please enable Javascript. it happens to all politicians…even obama…but you decide…
Tags: politics, socialcommentary