still searching for my stage

Everyone says that searching for a job is full time work. And on the surface I shake my head in agreement. It, like work, consumes my thoughts even when five o’clock rolls around. It, like work, forces me to spend long hours in front of the computer screen typing out memos of sorts. But it, unlike work, does not pay. Instead of at least the neutral affirmation of a job done (well or otherwise) be means of a check bi-weekly, I find a dwindling bank account and a reminder that student loans come due in November.

I am not unaware of the luxury I find myself writing this from. With a sister and brother in law with big hearts and a roomy home to match, I type this tirade from an air conditioned home with a room at my disposal, cable, and a refrigerator chock full of food I didn’t pay for. And so once again I find myself in a conundrum much like after hurricane Katrina…bad isn’t so bad when you are experiencing it among folks who care and with minimal upheaval to your day to day. How dare I complain under such luxurious conditions? And yet I do.

Don’t get it twisted, the genteel nature of my circumstances do not change the fact that I need a job. It isn’t a matter of wanting. I am a grown woman with a desire to act as such. I don’t want to live off the hard work of others, I don’t wish to piggy back on their lives – taking their accomplishments and treating them as if they are my own…from material to the less tangible.

People continue to congratulate me on my newest niece. “Congratulations!” people gush at me. Trust me, I know that there is a lack of much else to say that plays some part in such comments to me…but there is also the idea that this miracle of creation and life is somehow mine through proxy.

I didn’t carry my sweet round headed niece for nine months, neither did I deliver her as her father did a little over a week ago. I did bathe her sisters when their mother’s belly made it uncomfortable for her to do so but…that is merely my guest appearance, I’m still waiting for my starring role.

And so I find myself in front of this computer again – finally. I am pushing back the stress and strain of the last few months and trying to persevere despite the ego thumping that ensues each time I open my email to find no inkling of interest or request for interviews. Instead, a dwindling number of jobs for me to apply to and rising apprehension that whatever I’ve done is not enough without a true idea of how to somehow build on it and make it more.

Tags: family, future, transition