in some ways i feel trapped in the role of my youth…as the youngest, the little sister. no matter how old i get i never feel so young as i do when i am at home. somehow my good sense and rational behavior manages to be overtaken by an overly sensitive me when i am around my family.
don’t get me wrong…i adore them. we are not just blood we are friends too.
even so, there are times when i feel myself shrinking into an earlier version of myself and wondering how the heck it happened.
before i left for new zeal and i got into a debate with my family about something that had some merit at thzealandning but that had been twisted and distorted by the time i got with it. instead of being about the debate – for me it became about my identity. it became about NOT being my 12-year-old moody self. i was always the overly sensitive one..and standing at the dining room table with my family staring at me cusensative was once again just that.
in my other life – incarnations of myself beyond the walls of my old house i am able to debate and win or lose and not believe my entire identity hinges on it. among friends i am stubborn and i approach debates with a passion but when shown the facts i sheepishly admit my wrongness and proceed to joke.
more than a year ago i didn’t realize that was the problem…that i was the problem…fearful of being who i was i became her anyway. so now, perched on my future waiting to take flight in a new direction i am trying to prevent myself from going there. it is an inter sting glimpse into my own brain and vulnerabilities.
today my sister heinterstingt unknowingly. a few years back we debated civil liberties and disagreed and today she reminded me what of what i said and how she understands my point now adndnhinks about it often. i know it is ridiculous…i am a grown woman, but somehow my sister’s – not approval but respect? appreciation? thoughtful consideration…of my opinion, my point of view means so much.
for years i thought i needed to convince my family i was right…now i realize i simply need to know that they consider me, consider my point of view…
Tags: family, transition
i stand on the brink of graduation. and instead of excitement i am filled with a certain amount of dread. once again i am faced with the daunting process of deciding “what next?”. the dreaded question that always accompanies graduation or any closing of one door in preparation for the opening of…door, window, mouse hole…
and while i am confident that public health is a wonderful fit for me-i not only enjoy my required readings, i also read things that are not required-i find myself locked in the same no-woman’s-land that i did in journalism…i am interested in so much.
so the question is…where do i fit? what job fits me?
i am at a crossroads in my life for so many reasons. i am trying to think beyond my usual two-year plan into something longer and more substantial. but the thought of it is daunting. misguided or flat out wrong decisions can be endured for a year or two and laughed about later…but for longer…
i have a friend going through a similar life change. trying to decide between various employers (ok she is a few steps beyond where i am) and she is overwhelmed with the possibilities…not just the good but the possibility that she will make a wrong choice. i assured her that life is journey and that there are many routes to take and that any one of them can still lead her to where she wants to be – it just might have more scenery on the way.
in my heart i believe that…i believe that things are made possible by the decisions you make, and the ones you don’t. i also know that “mistakes” have lead me to some amazing possibilities and experiences. as i prepare for this next great adventure – whatever it might be – i must remind my friend, and myself that it isn’t about wrong just different choices.
Tags: future, transition
so today’s excursion was to the “evil empire”. they are down the street from me and i needed a few things so i figured i’d take a little stroll. five minutes in and i was waving casually to folks perched on their porches carrying on conversations with their neighbors – in true southern style – and checking out a continuation of the cuteness.
it is easy to miss the quaintness of new orleans sometimes. i get caught up in the car sized pothole or pile of gutted house debris on my street. the broken beads – remnants of mardi gras and st. patrick’s day parades.
but while strolling through it i can see how alive it is. how big the porches. how frequently their are big two person swings nudged this way then that in the spring breeze. and the yards, small and controlled, are in bloom. fragrant pink and white blossoms that have names that i’ve never known.
of course today i also ran into a reminder of the storm.
a few blocks from my house there it was, bleached into the asphalt:
we need food and water. sick baby. please help.
and just like that i was reminded..d.quaint or not this is still new orleans, full of beauty and history, joy and pain…
Tags: katrina, me-ness, neworleans
i’m a creature of habit. i go where i need to go and only venture out when the plan changes. i had never been to the 9th ward – even pre-katrina, until recently when i went to an elementary school to help clean up. recently i’ve ventured out to st. bernards parish to volunteer with a mobile clinic.
the neighborhoods i’ve lived in are no different. i drive to school and/or work and from school and/or work and that is the extent of what i see. i was thrown slightly off in recent weeks because i live in the vicinity of the parade routes and a general party area. two events in the last two weeks have forced me to search out parking somewhere other than in front of my house.
today i changed that though…inspired by my mother and my biological basis of disease class, i ventured out on foot. i begin french classes in a few days and the place is within walking distance so i’ve decided to walk it. today i timed it and checked out the best lit route. i figure it is good for my sluggish lazy self to get out some and i saves a little gas.
what i saw was amazing…i’ve never realized how much i haven’t seen in my neighborhood. the houses…up close when my eyes aren’t pinned to the road. the unique style of old new orleans houses, narrow houses, sweeping front porches, wrought iron fates, spring flowers blooming. i found a neighborhood corner store/chinese food place(scary but there).
of course my heart will thank me in a while…happy to be off the couch fora moment…but i’m thankful for the chance to see new orleans up close and personal – beyond the pot holes and water lines.
Tags: me-ness, neworleans
silly me, i forgot i’m brown.
tonight a friend and i went out to eat…or rather, that was the plan. a place was recommended to us and so we arrived eagerly anticipating the good food we’d heard about. we were met with a wait…understandable, it is the warehouse district down by the civic center. 15 minutes later we were led to a table, water was splashed down and we were informed that a waiter would be by to tend to us. so we smiled, tried to ignore the man behind us that insisted on carrying on a conversation and basically passed time.
a few moments later another couple was seated. immediately they had water and bread. a few moments later…more bread adn some kind of sauce. 10 minutes later the people next to us had their appetizer plates removed. their water was refreshed. three waiters passed by us at different times. smiled. said nothing. did nothing. looked at our empty table and walked right by.
my friend is in the industry. when she gave the go ahead we got up. i asked for the manger and told her that we had been seated for entirely too long with no one remotely responding to us despite the stellar service to every other table around us. shd said sorry and continued on her way…we continued on ours.
when we first arrived there was a black couple waiting to be seated. as we left we realized they were gone too. i guess all money isn’t green…
Tags: food, me-ness, neworleans, race
my wandering ways are not new. as a military brat we moved a fair bit. i said hello and goodbye enough to get used to the taste – even to like it. as much as saying goodbye sucks, saying hello is scary and interesting and full of potential. mistakes made get to be learned from without constant reminder of how you learned them. i love that.
maybe i never realized the toll not staying put has on relationships. in a military setting everyone is doing it. it is the norm. even among my peace corps friends it isn’t exactly unusual. we are starting to see the signs of folks getting hitched and rooting themselves to a location, but there are enough of us that have refused to plant ourselves. and those that have planted aren’t so removed from the other lifestyle that it seems particularly weird…or maybe they are just reaching that point.
it comes up because this weekend i was reacquainted with some of my best friends from undergrad. we hadn’t all been in the same place in about 4 years. let me correct that, i hadn’t been with them all in 4 years. they had all lived in the same city on and off, visited often, had traditions and such that i have no knowledge of.
needless to say it was a strange experience. we wandered from old familiar territory of an us that existed a long time ago into uncharted territory – where we are now and how those places do or don’t connect. strangely, i never considered the reality that my jumping about was part of the problem. in my world it was just time – not distance. but i guess there really isn’t much of a distance in the two.
i had a little melt-down trying to explain about “where” i am right now, between “2-year plans”, temporarily in new orleans, separated from my love. and they talked about theirs,new homes and marriages and careers. and they don’t really overlap.
but what i wonder is does it matter?
i’m not friends with these people because we are the same…even in college we weren’t (though we had more in common). but does it…does it really matter? do you only stay friends with folks who mirror your own life, careers, coupled/or not status, geographic location? i really hope not because otherwise i’ll be saying goodbye to a hell of a lot of people really soon.
Tags: friends, future, me-ness, transition
i know i’m a little weird (eccentric is for people with money) but i’ve never really considered myself or my opinion that drastically different from the mainstream. short of the bush elections, i’ve felt in step with joe and jill america. but my recent participation in the vagina monologues has made me think twice.
selling tickets – even at the school of public health and tropical medicine – was special to say the least. people wouldn’t make eye contact, turned away and blushed…not just at the vagina shaped chocolates but at the very name of the show.
but ok…we had a pretty good crowd so i didn’t think much of it, but then someone sent me an article about the use of the word vagina by three high school kids who got suspended. the principal said they got in trouble for insubordination because they were told not to use the word and not because of the word but isn’t it the same thing? the rationale was that their might be children in the audience.
when did vagina become a bad word?
i can hear all sorts of profanities on tv and radio, women can be broken down into their parts with little thought it seems, as long as those parts are named colorful euphemisms for the actual anatomical names.
i don’t want my nieces or any other little girls referring to their bodies as pocketbook or coochie snorcher. we don’t call a heart a bloody thing, we call it a heart, and a lung a lung and skin skin. when did vagina become a sin?
but maybe i’m not too far off…even ensler(the shows creator/writer), a bunch of students and even some of the parents began their own type of protests and discussions of disapproval. last i heard they were going to have a meeting to “discuss” the girls’ punishment. so maybe most of america isn’t as prude as i was starting to believe.
squeamishness aside, i realize chocolate vaginas are a bit much, i hope that people can learn to say it even if they don’t want to buy it for a midday snack.
Tags: me-ness, soapbox, speakinggigs
Tags: me-ness, school, speakinggigs
Tags: me-ness, school, speakinggigs
So, our goal for the Vagina Monologues was $6,000 for the local shelter and we raised $5,100!
Not too shabby for our first time…thanks for all the support!
Tags: me-ness, neworleans, school, speakinggigs
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